Thoughts on the day.

Today I decided that Birthdays are one of the most awkward things. And I embrace awkward for the most part. But I don't know how to handle Birthdays. More specifically mine.

So today is that day. My birthday. But its not something you announce. Or do you?  Its 4:11pm and I have had only two people so far in person wish me Happy Birthday. I got two text and a voicemail. And of course Facebook messages. Some from close friends others people who Facebook told it was my birthday. I have a battle going on inside me each year. Do I want to make a big deal about it or do I go thru the day like it doesn't exist. When you get down to it its like a holiday that no one else celebrates.

I don't really know what I'm saying except I'm sitting here a year older, my birthday almost over not feeling very special. But is that my fault? I could cry now if I let myself. I spent 9 hours with people who acted like it was any other day. Which it was to them but not to me. But I'm not someone to shout it all over town. I guess I want people to choose to celebrate me. To take time and energy out of their day to say they think I'm something special that they would take time out for me. To show me they see me on any given day. I know I prefer the shadows. I don't what the spot light. But for one day out of the year I want to have things be about me.

April is a tough month. I have had some rough things happen in April so its not my favorite month, its just unlucky that my Birthday is in the mist of it all. But maybe its the silver lining. Maybe that is the gift God has given me for April. Its just most years it doesn't feel like a gift. Its one of the most lonely days there are. Like today all I can think about it how I wish I could get a hug from my daddy (He's back in Michigan) and a real long cuddle and giggle from my little girl (shes in South Africa).

I know I have confused my family for years. Not wanting to celebrate or ignoring this day. Its only so I don't get disappointed. But that usually happens anyways.

Maybe this blog felt like a sad story. Maybe it is or maybe its me starting to realize that I want my Birthday to be a big deal. Either way I wanted to share my feelings today.Maybe its a cry for help.

SPECIAL THANKS TO: My sister for the awesome mirror this morning at 530am. My best friend and her beautiful kids for the wonderful voice mail on my lunch break.

Would we need HIM?

I was just spending some quiet time in my room reading. At church we are all reading the same book right now( I was trying to get this weeks reading in). The Sunday sermon and small group chat is about it. Its a growing and learning as a church/community about it. At small group last week our leaders handed out a paper with Declarations on it. 23 things to speak aloud over ourselves and about ourselves. But to be honest there is one that I just don't believe.   

"My family and those connected to us are protected from disasters, disease, divorce, adultery, poverty, false accusation, foolish decision and all accidents." (Psalm 91)

I don't know if its that I have seen too much of that happen to those I love and my family. I have seen a good friend taken from this world too early because of foolish decisions and a accident while doing Gods work overseas. I have has friends attacked walking down the street in towns they love and minister in and pray for. I have seen a break in go too far for no good reason. I have lost two Aunts to cancer, an uncle to an accident and my grandmother to disease that took her long before she left this earth. I have seen poverty in many countries with my eyes and fallen in love with some who are caught in it and cant get out. I have seen parents abandon babies, neglect babies and give up babies.  I have seen almost everything this statement speaks against.

I am a very visual person. I believe what I see. I trust facts. I don't see this as truth.

I am struggling.

I wish it were easy to declare. But all of my eyes have seen and all my heart has heart keeps my mind and heart from trusting this statement.

I do believe that the Lord can work good from bad. That He is always with us and wont leave us. I believe that the Lord loves us and wants us to be safe and free from harm. But life and the enemy sometimes ruin that. This life isn't quite as perfect as that.

If it were would we need God would we need to pray and seek Him daily. If there was nothing tripping us or making us lean on Him, nothing making us draw strength from Him along, WOULD WE?

I don't think I would.

Shoes and cupcakes.

Sorry for the lull.

I moved out here to Omaha and started a new job the end of February. The move went well.  Fit almost everything in my car and the family van.  Had to leave my bike and guitar (I'm not very good at playing; its one of those life goals I don't want to give up on) behind and forgot a few things like my stash of chocolate and my magnet from London. I got my room set up and have settled into in nicely. I don't even notice the freezer running at night anymore. Its about a foot and a half away from my bed.

Work is going well. I work at Cupcake Island. Omaha's first cupcake shop. I feel as if I fit in more and more each day. I have been able to get some baking in and there are always cupcakes to frost. Other than my feet hurting at the end of the day (I just ordered a pair of real shoes for work) because of bad shoes choice for standing up all day I can't complain.

The weather is slowly warming up we have some chilly days but the sun is out more and more. Thursday is the first day of spring and its beginning to look like it too.

last week

I sit in my living room at home for my last saturday night. In a week a new season will begin. I honestly don’t know what to think about it. Home has always been home. I have left for years at a time but always come back to it. But this time there may not be a back. Its a bit sad. I like my home. I am familiar with it. I know what floor boards creek. I know how to get around in the dark without walking into anything. I have lived in my bedroom since I was like 7. Thats almost 20 years. Thats a long time. Its going to be a rough parting. I love my room with slanted ceilings, little windows and a half bath. I will miss my seat at the dinner table. I will miss running across the road to get the mail. I will miss my dog, even if he annoys me when I’m cooking. I will miss those moments where we just sit or cuddle in silence. He’s always been there for me. I will miss my daddy. Watching tv in the evenings. Running errands together. Fixing and building together. I will most of all miss saying good night to him.

So as I look at my last week at home it will be filled with packing, and goodbyes not just to people but to my home.

Giving thanks.

My plan was to post one thing I am thankful for for the week leading up to tomorrow (Thanksgiving). But that didn't happen. Time passed and no blogs were written. I did ponder the topic at times thru the week. So here is a short list.

1. My family and being close to them. Sharing in the moments and memories. Like electrical trench digging, power outages cribbage games, church on sundays, and much more. 

2. My best friend. Its good to be closer than an ocean away from her. 

3. My dog. He keeps me company during the day. 

4. Having my kitchen back. All my pans and tools. 

5. My car and the freedom that comes with it. 

I know there is more than that. But this is just a few things I thought of.

Thankful #1

Last year today, well last night. I was in South Africa enjoying a traditional meal with my TLC family. We (the Americans) were teaching the other volunteers about jello salad being a side dish not a dessert. We were all enjoying warm apple pie and homemade pumpkin pies. It was also storming out. Lot of rain. Lots of thunder and lightning. It was a good thanksgiving dinner. I will always remember it but not because of all of that.

Little H soon after she was home at TLC.

But because it was the day little H was found. In the morning a little girl was brought into  the nursery. She had been found across the road. The guard from our neighbors house heard crying all night but couldn’t find her in the dark and storm. She was found in the morning. She is so little so cold. BUT that was the end to her hard entry into life. She was now safe at TLC where no child goes without being loved. After a couple days in the hospital to get her core temp back up she was at home. We were lucky enough to hold, feed, love and care for our little H for quite a few months. But the story got better. She got the best ending to this story/ beginning to the rest of her life that she could. She got a forever family. She has a Mommy and Daddy now, along with a brother and sister. It was such a great day to see her go home for good.

This is one of many reasons that I am SO VERY THANKFUL for TLC and Mama Thea and all the volunteers who give their lives and love to babies like H.

England -- Part 2

London with Lucy.

We were blessed to stay with Luy's cousin and his family.
We made the most out of our time. Saw lots. Heres a list.

Natural History Museum
Kinsington Gardens

London Eye

Parlement square a few times

Buckingham palace twice

Big Ben

A Boat tour

Tower of london

Trafalger Square

Covent Gradens

Portabello Market in Notting Hill

Traveled the Tube

Walked past Harrods

Saw the Greenwich mean time line.

Saw the pub where the Mayflower set off from

Saw the pub where Charles Dickens wrote a few books

Saw where they would hang up pirates so the tide would wash over them 4 times to exacute them.

Ate lunch near peter pan

Held hands with Nelson Mandela

Walked a bridge.

And much more all in 2.5 days. 

England --- Part One

Part one-- ELEANOR- Manchester

In Scarborough at the sea.

• After a very roomy flight (I had 2 seats to myself) over I was picked up by Elly and her dad. I got to be that person in the airport that runs with open arms for a long awaited reunion. It was so good to see her. 
• After a short drive home (to her house that sis) dropping my bags off in my room for the next few days we were down in the kitchen making cheese scones (she was, i watched) and catching up. Then it was a wet tour around her neighborhood. Then a trip to a large shopping mall. Dinner made by Elly with her parents. 
• The next day we headed to the sea. A train ride. Followed by a walk along the shore and a dinner of fish and chips. A night in the Royal Hotel. 
• The another train and a new city. A walk around the city on its historic wall. Lots of walking and looking and chatting filled the day. Then a train home. 
• Today was a bit quieter we went to a show in town. Saw a full double rainbow. Watched a movie and had pizza. 

Tomorrow we head to Lucy's in Birmingham. Elly is coming for the night. So the three of us will be together again.

Next stop -- England

So its been almost 2 months since leaving South Africa and TLC.
This reentry by far has been the hardest.
But this week. Tomorrow to be exact I will be heading to England for a couple weeks to be reunited with some of my co-volunteers. One is my little sister Elly and the other is a great friend Lucy. They will both be opening their homes and letting me crash. Im really excited to see where they live and their country but also to be back with people who understand TLC and what its like to leave it. And it will be my first time in Europe. I will try to update during the trip and if not then I will let you know how it went afterwards.