Today I decided that Birthdays are one of the most awkward things. And I embrace awkward for the most part. But I don't know how to handle Birthdays. More specifically mine.
So today is that day. My birthday. But its not something you announce. Or do you? Its 4:11pm and I have had only two people so far in person wish me Happy Birthday. I got two text and a voicemail. And of course Facebook messages. Some from close friends others people who Facebook told it was my birthday. I have a battle going on inside me each year. Do I want to make a big deal about it or do I go thru the day like it doesn't exist. When you get down to it its like a holiday that no one else celebrates.
I don't really know what I'm saying except I'm sitting here a year older, my birthday almost over not feeling very special. But is that my fault? I could cry now if I let myself. I spent 9 hours with people who acted like it was any other day. Which it was to them but not to me. But I'm not someone to shout it all over town. I guess I want people to choose to celebrate me. To take time and energy out of their day to say they think I'm something special that they would take time out for me. To show me they see me on any given day. I know I prefer the shadows. I don't what the spot light. But for one day out of the year I want to have things be about me.
April is a tough month. I have had some rough things happen in April so its not my favorite month, its just unlucky that my Birthday is in the mist of it all. But maybe its the silver lining. Maybe that is the gift God has given me for April. Its just most years it doesn't feel like a gift. Its one of the most lonely days there are. Like today all I can think about it how I wish I could get a hug from my daddy (He's back in Michigan) and a real long cuddle and giggle from my little girl (shes in South Africa).
I know I have confused my family for years. Not wanting to celebrate or ignoring this day. Its only so I don't get disappointed. But that usually happens anyways.
Maybe this blog felt like a sad story. Maybe it is or maybe its me starting to realize that I want my Birthday to be a big deal. Either way I wanted to share my feelings today.Maybe its a cry for help.
SPECIAL THANKS TO: My sister for the awesome mirror this morning at 530am. My best friend and her beautiful kids for the wonderful voice mail on my lunch break.
