Just lately in the last few months I have been hit with a lot of rejection. For lack of a better word. A number of people have told me that they don't want we to work for them or they don't need me.
Talk about a hard hit.
I never thought of my self as someone who needs or depends on others approval. But to be wanted or needed is something that I need. Now I don't know if that is all wrapped into being female and how our hearts work. But I do know that I am not sure if I can handle another hit.
And that is the point right there. I may not have the strength to take it but look at what the Lord did for me. He took the ultimate denial. And I don't think he spent nights crying himself to sleep or wishing He had a different path in life that would be easier. He knew it was His Fathers plan for Him. And somehow that made it okay. That gave Him the strength to endure. He knew the truth. He knew that what He lived for wasn't a joke or a lie.
I want to be able to go through this time of shaking and cleansing like that. I want to be able to wake up and go to bed everyday and know that He is right there with me. That when all of this is over it will be worth it because there is something awesome on the other side. I want to praise Him through the trial. I don't want to cry myself to sleep I want to fall asleep praising the Lord.
When it feels like this life this world doesn't fit its because its true. I am made for His Kingdom. I am on this earth, in America, in Africa for just a short time. My true home is with Him. So maybe this feeling on not fitting isn't just because I am not in Africa. Maybe its because I am not with Him in His Kingdom. And why it feels so right in Africa is because its the closest to that that I have experienced. I have been the closest to Him there. I see Him everywhere there. But He is still everywhere here.
I know it is a little bit on the rambling side today but I have so much going on in my head I needed to get some of it out.
I love, love, love rambles.. and I'd love to read more of your rambles, so don't ever hesitate posting 'em :) I wish I could hug you right now and tell you how important you are to me, and how much I need you and to read the words you write (whether on your blog, or when you're commenting on my blog).
ReplyDeletePraying for you, that you won't fall asleep with tears on your face but with praises on your lips. We weren't made for this world, I'm seeing that more and more each day. So (I'm telling this to myself too) take joy in the feeling of not fitting in, of not having a place to call home, of not feeling like you belong.. because to feel like we belong in a place in this world would be a very scary thing. We belong in His home though, in the home that will be everlasting.
Don't know if all this relates to what you are writing about, but I hope it encourages you in some way, shape, or form.
I understand so much of what you're saying. Praying for you friend. Wishing I could give you hugs.
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